Car rides with family are always filled with fun stuff, naturally. Everyone gets along swimmingly, we hug and laugh and sing. And cry (from happiness and love). Yeah…so, obviously I’m kidding as I’m sure you have all experienced the horror that can be a family roadtrip.
My particular ride up to New Hampshire could have been worse.
Shortly after departing our house in Connecticut, my sister graced us with her wise words.
She said, “Life is not enjoyable when you have to pee.”
What she selfishly doesn’t realize, however, is that life, and the particular parts of life called “car rides”, are not enjoyable when you’re with someone with a pea-sized bladder. Especially someone who didn’t pee before you left home because she “didn’t need to” and then less than 30 minutes into the ride she gives you a 20 minute warning before she pees in her pants. The pants that are on the leather seat right beside you. Oh, and my sister is 21.
Anyway, as I said, it could have been worse. We made it to Vermont in great time. I “checked in” on Main Street only to find out that even in Vermont there are people who use Foursquare more than I do and thus hold the Mayoral positions at downtown restaurants. Excuse me for being shocked by this. Aren’t Vermonters supposed to be primitive? Aren’t they supposed to wear Birkenstocks, smoke weed and like, read books? What is this with them having social media apps and beating me?
But I digress.
We all ate lunch in a quaint little town, which was very ‘Vermont’ if you know what I mean. All the little towns in Nowheresville look the same. An adorable little Main Street catering to the vegetarians and vegans filled, or more accurately, containing a few natives who ever so adorably lack an iota of stylistic sense. Isn’t it so cute how they put socks with sandals and wear ill-fitting clothing? So cute.
So, one argument, three games of hangman and two hours later, we were back in the car and on our way again, only slightly behind schedule.
The rest of the ride seemed to take an eternity as cell phone service began to seem like a distant luxury of our old life back in Connecticut. There was very little to occupy myself as I held in the vomit, which was threatening to show itself on the windy roads. I did get to foil my mom’s epicly long outgoing voicemail recording twice by screaming “AFLAC!” while channeling Gilbert Gottfried as the Aflac duck. My mom works for Aflac FYI, which may help you with the context here, and I believe she was reciting our vacation itinerary in case her clients needed to reach her at any given moment. Well, I put an end to that!
Finally, we reached our destination, The Indian Head Resort, only about three hours after we had planned but whatevs!
Our resort, and I use the word “resort” very lightly, is …uh…interesting! There is a huge sign at the entrance, which reads THE FAMOUS INDIAN HEAD RESORT (see above) and I have been wondering what person or maybe panel of experts bestowed this honor upon Indian Head. I also wonder if the owners of the “resort” missed the memo that we’re calling them “Native Americans” now. I should probably tell them, or at least the lovely workers at the front desk, that “Indians” is highly politically incorrect and those statues of Tonto and Pocahontas in the lobby are stereotypical and maybe just a little bit racist. Do you think they would care? Maybe despite the fact that the main demographic here (and by “main” I mean only) is Caucasian they could take down the teepee and the totem pole on the front lawn?
I think families would miss photographing the group in front of these lovely structures. Mine sure would, seeing that we took about 30 different pictures right there, just this morning.
Despite all this however, and upon further inspection, I must say that it does look pretty here. So what the hell, I’ll give the paddle boats and the Magician who makes balloon animals a chance. Maybe even the two-man-band singing the greatest of hits such as Margaritaville, can show me a good time!
Regardless, I will certainly attempt to appreciate my fleeting days out of the car, before the roadtrip home begins! Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!