My Trip to Iowa

So, I headed to the big IA this weekend. What’s IA stand for? That’s right, you guessed it. Iowa. Confused? Probably. Why would anyone from New York or the Northeast voluntarily go to Iowa?!

Sure, they have really nice corn, or so I hear. And yeah, people are supposedly really nice, but that’s just a stereotype of Midwesterners, right? I’m sure there are evil humans there just like in Northeast (read: New Jersey). But despite the pleasant stereotypes and the fact that I have a HUGE crush on sweet corn, I never really thought I’d make it to this particular state. In fact, I never really thought much about it at all.

However, as fate would have it (if I believed in fate, that is) I am dating a person who was born and raised in none other than – you guessed it – Iowa! Anywho – the point is, I went there because he has a friend who is getting married…in Iowa.  So I went there…to Iowa. Right.

The trip really did go off without a hitch and it was quite enjoyable. I came back with nothing but warm and fuzzy feelings for the state and its citizens. I also came back with some things I’d like to share. I’m sure you will agree the below are fascinating thoughts. Read on.

1. Short people on airplanes versus tall people on airplanes.

This is not the first time I have flown nor experienced how unfriendly the airlines are to us tall folk. However, I am going to complain now. And here.

There has been a lot of press lately around obesity on flights and discrimination against overweight people who take up more room than their average-sized counterparts. It’s evident that people are getting fatter. This is mostly a problem with eating habits and lack of exercise, or something like that. Well, guess what? People are getting TALLER too, but that seems to go unconsidered. They have been doing so for centuries and not by any choice of their own.

Ever walk through an old house? You know how the doors are really little? That’s because people used to be really little too. Now only some people are (those less evolved, obviously) but many are tall. Not fat, just tall. Like me. I’m 5’11’’ and it’s not because I wanted to be, it’s because when you come from a family of giants, you are likely to be a giant as well.

I need more legroom. I need my knees not to chafe from the seat in front of me. I need the fact that a 35” inseam should not be seated in the same space as a 29” inseam to be acknowledged once and for all. If airlines refuse to allow individuals to inhabit larger spaces aboard the aircraft, then please put me in an aisle seat. I’m just asking to be as comfortable as the average-height lady or man sitting beside me. I’m not asking for first class. Lawd knows I do not want to pay those prices. I’m just asking for a little shuffle room so when the person in front of me reclines, I don’t need to schedule knee replacement surgery. Please, just ask my height when I purchase the ticket and let me sit in that fancy front row between coach and first class that has double the legroom. Please?!?!

Sigh. Despite being able to reach things more easily and see over peoples’ heads, we tall folk are really living in an average-sized world.

Onto the next and less whiny.

2. HuHot or the best stir fry restaurant on planet earth.

HuHot. Oh, HuHot. My darling, darling Dear. You are so great and I just met you and I had to leave you so soon.

My friends, HuHot is a restaurant where you have unlimited access to an array of meats vegetables and sauces. You fill a bowl with whatever you like and then these men, dressed in adorable HuHot outfits cook it all up for you on a giant wok. Did I mention it’s unlimited? And oh-so-delicious? Did I already say that the wait staff diligently replaces your Diet “Pop” (as they say in Iowa – so cute!) before you even finish the last one? Did I?!

All I have to say is “Mmmmmm”. I L-O-V-E you HuHot. And I am so sad that you do not exist out on my native East Coast. What a shame. What a SHAM! I will consequently be scheduling a cross-country RV trip through all the HuHot states. See my itinerary below.

I will be going to the red states with flags, FYI. The yellow states are dead to me.

3. Iowa has PHENOMENAL grocery stores

I hail from the green land of Connecticut where we go to Stop & Shop or the local grocery store. I live in New York City where every grocery store is dirty and miniature and usually pretty disappointing unless you’re willing to pay a pretty penny for some provisions (alliteration, mmmmm) at a place like Whole Foods or Zeytuna.

So, when I stepped into to Hy-Vee, where even the name is so much more fun, I was overwhelmed with weird delight. It was ever-so-bright. Like day, in there, though it was really night (rhyming, mmmmm). I relate to you, mosquitoes, for flying towards that beautiful bug zapper.

The displays were immaculate, the cookies adorable and the air conditioning combined with the sweet sounds of groceries on shelves made me question my choice of residence. So New York City has things to do. So what? It sure don’t have supermarkets like Hy-Vee.

Check out these gorgeous peppers on display and the corn! Oh, the corn! Boxes of it. Boxes! Don’t ignore the sweet cookies decorated impeccably with lions and smileys. Happiness personified in a display case.

Stunning...right????

I may have salivated into this box...

We may or may not have taken these babies out of the display after-hours and packaged them to look like they were still for sale...

4. Farms

I’ll let my pictures do the ‘splainin’.

Looks like heaven, smells like poo

Apparently in Iowa, Cows come from milk-loving Kangaroos.

All the little cowsies in a row

Petting the baby. How cute.

And that about sums up my trip. Go Hawks! (They say that a lot there.)